in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
