do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
