hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
