Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I am mentally ready for anal.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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