Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
