she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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