i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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