My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
