i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
