I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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