he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
