My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
