I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
