Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
