Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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