p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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