I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
