I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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