So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Randomize
