She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
