Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
