White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
