i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
