Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
