Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
