Moan for me like Helen Keller
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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