I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
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I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
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Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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