non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
