I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
