No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
