ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
