I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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