i wish peter jackson would direct porn
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
