It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
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Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
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Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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