Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
