He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
