If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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