if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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