Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
