omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
