We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
