Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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