yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
