I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
