one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
