Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
