when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
