I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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