Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
