Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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