My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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