The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
