I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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