i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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