So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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