We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
