my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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