Screwed.edu
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
