why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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