remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
