My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
