Please, let me fuck your mom
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
