I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
