Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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