Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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